


Im trying my best and Im doing less and less

by maidzgutz



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I project way too hard on this poor man, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Not Beta Read, Oops, Saihara Shuichi-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, We Die Like Men, if anyone noticed any typos or sentences that dont make sense, its brief but. its there, lol, no you didnt, this a vent, tw!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28102482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maidzgutz/pseuds/maidzgutz
Summary: At one point, the bedroom door finally opens, and Shuichi rubs his eyes, thinking it's just his exhaustion creeping up on him. But there was no way to mistake the green of Rantaro's messy hair, his dark eyebrows knit together in concern while his own eyes were still foggy with sleep.Shuichi has a moment and needs comforting.
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/Saihara Shuichi
Kudos: 44





	Im trying my best and Im doing less and less

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey!! If you didn’t see in the tags, there is brief mention of suicidal thoughts, and idk it’s a vent. I don’t know what would be considered heavy but stay safe regardless!! Yes Im unoriginal and name my fics after song lyrics. what of it. anyway listen to smking to dth by cyberbully mom club. do it right now.

Shuichi watches the clock tick past 2am while he sits up at the kitchen table, his mind hazy. He watches with tired eyes the snow falling outside the apartment window, perfectly standing out against the dark, dark sky. 

The detective just... watches. He watches the way the steam from his coffee mug disappears into the air all around it, and he watches the way the bedroom door doesn't move a single inch for hours. In fact, Shuichi almost convinces himself it isn't there, tucked away into a dark corner of the hall. He closes his eyes for a minute, knowing that it's inevitable that the door will open at some point during the rest of the night, and Rantaro will come out with the comforter around his shoulders. 

He knows that no words will be exchanged between the two of them, not yet, as he walks over and wraps the other man in the blanket now around both of them. They'll eventually end up laying on the couch watching the world outside. Shuichi will end up falling asleep hugging onto his boyfriend, too tired to even muster a single negative thought in his head.

...and, he does love Rantaro, of course he does. He loves him more than anything. But... Shuichi feels like he isn't good enough for him. Rantaro has told him a thousand times over that that isn't true, and that if anything it's the other way around, but. Mm.

However much longer he sits there he isn't sure. The man lays his head on his hand, no longer bothering with the clock. Not like it mattered much, anyway. He counts all the steps from the front door to the bedroom door. Briefly, he ponders how many times he's taken those steps. Ponders how many times he'd made sluggish steps to where Rantaro would be laying on his phone waiting for him to come home from a long day at work. Or the peppy, joyful steps they would make together, laughing and talking in hushed voices like teenagers scared to get caught by their parents. 

At one point, the bedroom door finally opens, and Shuichi rubs his eyes, thinking it's just his exhaustion creeping up on him. But there was no way to mistake the green of Rantaro's messy hair, his dark eyebrows knit together in concern while his own eyes were still foggy with sleep. 

"Shu...? It's almost 3:00 in the morning... are you doin' ok?" His raspy voice sounded so, so tired, it brought a pang to Shuichi's chest. He shouldn't make his boyfriend go through this so often.

Rantaro deserved someone who wouldn't slip out of bed and sit at the kitchen table to be found and comforted in the middle of the night; someone he could simply hold in his own bed the entire night. "Ah, I'm ok. Don't worry Rantaro, really." He brought his hands up as he tried to reassure the adventurer who, clearly wasn't buying any of it. 

Sighing, he lightly took one of Shuichi's hands and helped him stand up, wrapping him in a hug. (No comforter, just Shuichi's face pressed softly against Rantaro's bare shoulder.)

Neither pulled back for a long time, and Shuichi found himself begging Rantaro silently to never move from this spot, to just stay with him like this forever. Although. He doubts Rantaro is very happy in this situation, but neither is he. 

The detective steps back from the hug the moment Rantaro does, and the silence between them is deafening. More tense than it normally ever is. Shuichi brings his arms up to hug himself, and suddenly he feels the heavy weight of everything crash down on his shoulders. "Are we... going to argue? Rantaro?" His voice is meek, and he feels his heart crack at the crestfallen look on the others face.

He hates seeing Rantaro look so helpless. Especially when it's his fault. "Oh, Shuichi... no. No we're not going to argue. I'm not mad, ok?" Rantaro steps forward slowly and takes Shuichi's face gently in his hands. Shuichi honestly felt like he could drown in the emotion he saw in his eyes. "I'm not mad at you."

Shuichi gives an absent-minded nod, biting his lip. He knew Rantaro wouldn’t get mad, he’s the sweetest and most understanding boyfriend Shuichi’s ever had after all. Though he supposes it’s a habit to ask, past experience and all.

He leans into the warm touch of the adventurer’s calloused hands, feeling him bring his head down to bump Shuichi’s nose with his own. Realistically they can’t stand in the kitchen forever, but it feels as though they could. Rantaro rubs a small circle on Shuichi’s cheeks, his face serene. “Can I kiss you?”

Shuichi feels his heart pang with affection at the request, the notion enough to bring a small, weak smile to his lips. Rantaro knows he doesn’t have to ask, but Shuichi guesses he just likes knowing he wants it, too.

He nods, naturally, and he feels so lost in his own head Shuichi isn’t even sure he felt Rantaro’s lips on his own. Eventually he snaps himself out of his daze to really enjoy it, but it’s over as quick as it started, leaving him to let out a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

Rantaro’s hands are no longer on his face, and he feels cold without the warmth there. “You don’t need to be sorry babe, you know I’ll always be here for you.” His voice is soft, a murmur, and the words spring tears to his eyes. The problem is that it’s not certain he’ll be there forever, nothing is certain. Shuichi is horrified that someday Rantaro will wake up and no longer love him, that he’ll move out and force him to stay with the memories he knows he couldn’t bear. 

Or, even worse, he falls out of love with Rantaro. His boyfriend of seven years, the man who he adores more than anything else. To think that one day that feeling could be gone, that Shuichi could hurt him like that... no. Rantaro wouldn’t leave him, surely? Though who was he kidding, the poor guy had to put up with his problems 24/7, Shuichi would leave himself too after all. 

The tears in his eyes blur his vision, and he ducks his head to look at his feet so Rantaro doesn’t have to watch him cry. He knows he hates it. But when Shuichi brings an arm to cover his eyes, Rantaro steps forward and brings him into another hug, his head tucked underneath his lovers chin, he lets out a sob. “Hey, Shu, babe. Listen to me. I love you more than anything, ok? I know that... I know that you’ve had a rough go, and god you don’t understand how much I wish I could’ve protected you... but I’m not leaving you now, yeah? I’m here for you.” Rantaro’s hushed words along with the hand he brought to stroke his hair only brought more tears, and Shuichi honestly felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

It’d been so long since Shuichi had let himself go like this, to be so emotional... mm. He was so tired of keeping it in, trying to be strong for someone who loved him regardless. He brought his arms up to hold onto Rantaro tightly, scared if he didn’t he’d disappear.

“Rantaro...” His voice was tight and broken, the name coming off his lips in a gasp before more tears. “Rantaro I love you so much and... and I’m worried— n-no, I’m terrified that y-you’re gonna leave some day.” Shuichi didn’t care if his words weren’t recognizable through his ugly sobbing, each word growing higher in pitch while he struggled to get his emotions out. 

He felt Rantaro hold him tighter, shushing him quietly. His calm nature was always something that calmed Shuichi down, but he felt terrible for making Rantaro so worried for him. “I love you too, Shuichi. My sweetheart, the man I love...” He placed a small kiss on the top of Shuichi’s head. “I’m not gonna leave you, ever. Haven’t even gotten to propose yet have I?” 

Shuichi let out a small laugh through his tears, and he could practically see the gentile smile on Rantaro’s face. “Y-yeah. If you take any longer I’m gonna do it.” 

Rantaro gave a small chuckle in response, and Shuichi sighed, his face red and blotchy from the crying. His breath hitched every now and again, stray tears still making it from his eyes, but he supposed most of whatever that was was over for now. It’s not like he felt completely better, not by a long shot, but the height from the balcony to the street below didn’t feel as enticing now. 

Shuichi stepped back and ran his hands down Rantaro’s arms until they had reached his own hands, gripping them tightly. “...Thank you, Taro. I’m sorry that you had to see that.” 

The other man’s posture softened and began swinging their intertwined hands back and forth gently, closing his eyes. “It’s alright babe. But, hey, I worry about you, yeah? I don’t want you to think I’m gonna breakup with you because of your emotions. We can fix it together, alright?”

Shuichi felt so, so touched by his boyfriend’s kindness. What did he do to deserve this guy? “Yeah, with you by my side I can do anything.” His voice grew soft, and Rantaro opened an eye to peek at him, grinning. “What?”

The adventurer laughed, taking his hand away from Shuichi to put a single finger on the tip of his nose. “Nothin’. You’re just so cheesy sometimes...” he paused for a short second, before continuing. “but I love that about you.” 

Shuichi snorted, swatting the hand on his nose away. “Who’s the cheesy one now?” Rantaro flashed another grin, the genuine one that Shuichi fell in love with in the first place, and he couldn't help but give one back. The detective knew, truly, that there wasn’t anyone who understood him in the way Rantaro did. He was patient, sweet, and Shuichi couldn’t think of a single negative quality. Regardless of whether they fought sometimes, he knew that they’d talk it out. They always did.

Shuichi didn’t dare look at his clock as he squeezed the remaining hand that was holding his boyfriends, a weak smile on his face. “Can we go to bed now? I’m tired of being in this old kitchen.” 

Rantaro squeezed the hand back, laughing. “Hah, same here. You better bet I’m gonna snuggle the hell out of you.” 

Shuichi gave a small chuckle back, tugging Rantaro with him towards the bedroom. “Well, I’m counting on it.” He remarked, his face less blotchy now. With a hum, Shuichi remarked in his head that it was a Wednesday, and he had to get up in (he assumed) two hours to begin getting ready. But with a look at his tired, sweet boyfriend, he came to the conclusion that spending a day with Rantaro was more important.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this ain’t the best, I’ve rlly been going thru it but I should be ok. I just needed to write my feelings out, so yeah, sorry if it feels rushed at the end 


End file.
